


Incidents in Ireland and the Arctic: An Unofficial Attempt at a Screenplay Adaptation

by mercurialmirror



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Gen, born from a life of bad adaptations, fairness but only insofar as it lets me prove my superiority, fix-it fic but for a whole movie, indulgent title wipes, join me at the rage buffet, unreasonable self-challenges, you could have done it the Mouse we gave you all the scenes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialmirror/pseuds/mercurialmirror
Summary: What if you transformed Artemis Fowl and Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident into a single screenplay, something that has never before been attempted?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. Opening Remarks

Adaptations are hard. 

This is not the first bad adaptation rodeo we’ve all ridden through, and it won’t be the last. This, the undersigned, could end up as another entry on that list, but not for lack of effort and care. And not with millions of dollars behind it.

First, let’s set some ground rules:

1\. This should not be taken as a direct rebuke at The Mouse. This was never the movie we were going to get, because the character of Artemis as written in the books was never palatable to The Mouse. Any story with a child villain and adult hero, even if those roles complicate and blend over its telling, was never going to be a Mouse Movie. 

2\. That said: in the spirit of fairness (let’s be real, it’s competition), I will be attempting here to adapt both Artemis Fowl and Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident into a single motion picture. This doesn’t mean I’ll just be transcribing the books verbatim into screenplay format; one, that’s not sufficiently transformative, and two, book-to-movie doesn’t work like that. They’re different mediums, they require different things, they excel in different ways, they have different limitations. Wherever I break from the book, I’ll annotate my reasoning, what I’m trying to do, and what trade-offs I considered. I welcome discussion and critique of those decisions; there is not just one way to adapt a story to film.

3\. I’m challenging myself to keep this a reasonable length. Let’s call under three hours (proxied as 180 compiled pages; I’ll provide the page counts with each installment) a B and under two-and-a-half (150 pages) an A. To attempt this without even token acknowledgment of the constraints of the format would just be unfair.

With all that in mind, I have one last remark, this one directed squarely at myself:

_Stay back, human. You don’t know what you’re dealing with._


	2. Cold Open: The Fowl Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two grumpy, chilly Russian gangsters receive an unexpected windall.

EXT. BAY OF KOLA, NORTHERN RUSSIA - DAY

Smoke pours off the wreckage of a cargo ship, stark against the icy shoreline. Nondescript gangsters haul crates from the wreck. Cut to

EXT. FLAMING BARREL 

overseeing the shoreline, around which are huddled two hardened mafiosi in fur coats: VASSIKIN, tall and brawny, and KAMAR, smaller and perpetually snappish about it. Vassikin peels back his sleeve to check an over-the-top fake Rolex. 

VASSIKIN  
This thing could freeze up. What'll I do with it then? 

KAMAR  
Quit your complaining. It's your fault we're stuck outside in the first place. 

VASSIKIN  
Excuse me?

KAMAR gestures at 

THE SHIP.

KAMAR  
Our orders were simple: sink the _Fowl Star._ All you had to do was hit the cargo bay. Down she goes. But no, the great Vassikin hits the stern. 

Vassikin pulls down his sleeves, sealing himself off from the cold and his partner's accusations.

VASSIKIN  
She sank, didn't see?

KAMAR  
So what? She sank slow, plenty of time for passengers to grab onto something. So now we have to search for survivors. 

At the sound of FOOTSTEPS crunching from offscreen, Vassikin rolls his eyes and turns away.

KAMAR  
(muttering) Vassikin the famous sharpshooter. My grandmother could shoot better.

Vassikin's fists clench as he steps to the side, opening space on the barrel for the source of the footsteps: LYUBHKIN, a dockworker built and garbed like a bear. 

LYUBHKIN  
How're things?

Vassikin spits. It freezes on contact.

VASSIKIN  
How do you think? Find anything? 

LYUBHKIN  
Dead fish and broken crates. Nothing could survive in these waters for, what, seven hours?

VASSIKIN  
(grumpy, staring over the bay) Eight. 

KAMAR  
There, you see? We pack it in, tell the boss that despite your stupidity--

VASSIKIN  
(turns to Lyubkin) Have the men do one more sweep, then we're calling it.

KAMAR  
Why even do that much--

A WALKIE-TALKIE ON LYUBHKIN'S BELT

crackles to life, squawks three times.

EXT. THE FLAMING BARREL

Kamar jumps, drops his drink.

KAMAR  
What the devil--

LYUBHKIN  
(nonplussed) That's the signal.

VASSIKIN  
What? What signal?

WIDE SHOT ON THE BAY 

as Lyubhkin takes off sprinting from the barrel back to the docks. 

LYUBHKIN  
It means they found someone!

EXT. MEDIUM SHOT ON A MAN'S FACE AND BUST AGAINST AN ICE-CRUSTED TARP

He is well-dressed in a leather overcoat, furs sodden but intact around his face, but the face itself is a mask of bruises, burns, and frostbite. In his forties, white, but you could only just tell. He's out cold, his breath a minimal fog, still as the grave amidst a hubbub of jockeying dockworkers eager for a look at their ghoulish prize.

EXT. THE CROWD AROUND THE BODY

Vassikin pushes his way indelicately to the front of the throng, with Kamar following in his wake. He hunkers down next to the man, inspecting.

VASSIKIN  
He'll lose the leg for sure. A couple of fingers, too. And the face--

KAMAR  
Thank you, Doctor Vassikin. Any valuables?

Vassikin pats down pockets, shakes out the sides of the coat, comes up empty. He then rises to address the suddenly shiftier crowd. 

VASSIKIN  
You have ten seconds. Keep the currency; I need everything else. 

A frozen moment. Then a wallet sails into view from somewhere in the crowd, skidding into the tarp next to the body, followed immediately by a massive gold watch.

KAMAR  
(smug as Vassikin scoops up the goods) That's what I thought. 

Kamar plucks the wallet out of Vassikin's hands, leaving his partner to inspect the glittering, crystal-studded watch. He flips through, then stops dead. 

VASSIKIN  
Well? Do we keep him? 

As he speaks, Kamar starts fishing in his pockets with his free hand.

KAMAR  
Oh, we keep him. We keep him, and put some blankets on him. The way our luck's going, he'll catch pneumonia, and believe me, we don't want anything to happen to this man.

Kamar emerges with a cell phone, which he unlocks with barely-contained excitement. 

VASSIKIN  
What? Who is he? Who are you calling?

KAMAR

I'm calling the boss, who do you think I'm calling?  
Vassikin pales, draws back.

VASSIKIN  
Good news, right? You're calling with good news?

Kamar flips an elite black credit card out toward Vassikin. The name is still obscured.

KAMAR  
Read that. This man is our ticket to the big time.

Vassikin takes the card, brow furrowed as he makes out the unfamiliar letters. Then it hits him, and his brows skyrocket.

CLOSE-UP: THE NAME ON THE CREDIT CARD

ARTEMIS FOWL

CROSS-FADE TO TITLE SCREEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're doing Arctic Incident, then you're doing the abduction and retrieval of Artemis Fowl the First. That might be the only thing the extant film and I agree on. It was a no-brainer to start on this very, very cold open. 
> 
> Obviously, this is a pretty point-for-point retelling of the prologue to The Arctic Incident, sanded down a little for time and focus. I suspect that later on I'm going to wish I'd added this or that detail, emphasized this or that idea about the characters of Vassikin and Kamar, since framing the story in this way elevates them to a more meaningful villainous role than they had in the book, but I'm hoping a little of their native humor comes through.


End file.
